# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
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Ninja Fantasy (1986) Directed by: Tommy Cheng

TROY'S REVIEW: Tomas Tang strikes once again with this Z-grade, cut and splice ninja poop-fest featuring drug dealing ninja, CIA operations and a completely irrelevant story from Thailand! If you've ever had the joy of watching these movies before then you'll know exactly what to expect here; Yes indeed, it's atrocious acting galore (just check out the 'actress' playing Peggy in this as she's actually clearly laughing in one scene in which she is being tortured!), abysmal dubbing/voice over work (I mean where in the hell do the makers find the voice over artists? And does ANYONE really speak like that?!) and enough daft plot contrivances to fill an average Australian soap opera for a whole year! Yey verily - this is indeed crap of the highest quality but oh so much fun! Just check out some of the hilarious highlights on offer in this which include: The aforementioned torture scene of Peggy during which a particularly sadistic ninja proceeds to repeatedly brand her before gleefully applying a cruel looking finger crushing contraption to her hands (and all the while he's cackling like a loony!) Also check out the truly horrific fashions the western actors are attired in... ye gods, it's enough to makes ones eyes bleed! The hero in this is especially guilty and spends his spare time (out of his ninja togs) dressed in a red and black stripy top with skin tight white jeans. Sort of like a hip and trendy Freddy Krueger in fact. The very best bit though is a completely bonkers scene in which in order to hide from our pursuing hero, the evil ninja transform themselves into... fish! Yes indeed you read that correctly! But it gets even better (or worse depending upon your viewpoint) for suddenly the ninja fish launch an all out attack on our man by flying out of the water at him and exploding! Good God! Who the hell thought this up?! As it happens, there's no time to ponder such matters for our hero quite rightly immediately sets about spearing the aquatic fiends on his sword! Alas, the head evil ninja uses this opportunity to launch a sneaky flying fish strike from behind, knocking our hero over before transforming back to human form. Well, what can one say about such a demented spectacle? - Why are you still reading this review? Rush out and track down a copy of this masterpiece at once! Also known as Twinkle Ninja Fantasy.

Ninja Force Of Assassins (1987) Directed by: Victor Sears

TROY'S REVIEW: Simply amazing would be the best way to describe this astounding and ground breaking tale of betrayal, the bonds of friendship, revenge and erm... ninjas. Ok, so I'm obviously talking a complete load of old cobblers but this is nonetheless essential viewing if you happen to have a propensity for grand cinematic trash. Yes, Tomas Tang strikes back with yet another hilariously inept cut & paste master work featuring a plot riddled with more inconsistencies than Wesley Snipes' tax return forms. Do you happen to like complex storylines? Great - then you'll simply adore this entry. Damn, this is the filmic equivalent of a sodding Rubics Cube! In fact, it would seem that even Tang himself completely lost track of the plot judging by the amount of loose ends still left dangling at the end of this!

Ninja Hunt (1987) Directed by: Joseph Lai

TROY'S REVIEW: Great Scott! - A group of dastardly ninjas led by bad acting God, Stuart Smith (armed here with a decidedly awful, overdubbed accent) has stolen the top secret Dak 10 formula which is said to bring out fearlessness in human test subjects and which thus, lends itself perfectly to military applications. Furthermore, our miscreant martial arts experts are planning to sell the formula to the highest bidder, a feat aided by Triad gang leader Campell. Understandably none too pleased with such dirty dealings, the CIA are quick to send in their man Gordon Anderson (Richard Harrison) who also just happens to be a ninja and an expert ninja hunter. In turn and to aid him in his mission in tracking down the bad guys, Gordon enlists the help of an undercover agent, Aaron, who takes on the guise of a taxi driver in order to infiltrate Campell's gang (er?!) Sounds simple enough so far? Well, this is where it becomes more complicated. Aaron is befriended by Billy, a young streetwise kid who also happens to be part of Campell's gang. It transpires that Billy's mother Rachel, is Campell's mistress. However Billy is unaware that she is in fact his biological parent. Just to confuse matters even further, Billy's father is later revealed to be none other than Gordon. What a tangled web eh?

Yes, it's a typically convoluted cut & paste epic here, brought to us by Joseph Lai's IFD chop shop, featuring the usual quota of hilariously atrocious dubbing and voice over work, hopelessly tenuous connections between the newer, inserted footage and the original film and of course (and best of all), the requisite, colourfully clad ninja battles that we've all come to know and love. Unfortunately, it has to be said that there just aren't enough such duels featured in this entry to make it particularly memorable, which is a real pity. Nonetheless, for fans of the said sub (standard) genre, this is certainly worth at least a watch. Hell, even the worst of these films is still by far more fun than the majority of crap to come out of Hollywood these days.

Ninja In The Deadly Trap (1981) Directed by: Phillip Kwok

Produced independently in Taiwan, three parts out of the popular Venoms team (Phillip Kwok, Chiang Sheng and Lu Feng) went out and made their own ninja flick following Chang Cheh (their former mentor at Shaw Brothers) who had unleashed Five Element Ninja at Shaw's the year before. Decidedly low-key somewhat in the portrayal of ninja techniques, the film still breathes in an excellent way thanks to the inclusion in combination with the insanely talented trio of martial artists as leads. A basic story where General Chi (Ti Lung) needs to enlist a trio of warriors to battle the ruthless Japanese pirates wrecking havoc in China, again, our main cast are a compelling bunch to have on-screen that while not commanding it in between action, certainly are comfortable when they are called into action. In fact, the movie is totally uninteresting largely but director Phillip Kwok injects highlights. The various ninja techniques such as moving underground, melting your face so no one won't recognize you are superbly fun visuals and the action choreography comes nicely to life later on when providing length and intricate detail in each shot. Of note is Lu Feng's fantastic battle with an assassin that is part of a trilogy of fights for the leads. Unfortunately not recovering from this peek, Ninja In The Deadly Trap provides what it needs to do and when so a thorough complaint is hard to file. Yusuaki Kurata plays the leader of the Japanese.

Buy the DVD at:
HK Flix.com

Ninja In The USA (1985) Directed by: Wu Kuo-Jen

TROY'S REVIEW: Alexander Lou headlines in this typically silly ninja entry as groom to be Jerry who is tying the knot with his true love Penny. Sounds jolly nice so far? Well of course matters don't stay so for long however as Penny, who happens to be an investigative reporter, receives some stolen photographic film which incriminates a top drugs lord who she is already keen to see brought to justice. Needless to say, getting wind of this, the somewhat unpleasant fellow has her kidnapped. Such a decidedly unsocial act in turn prompts Jerry to swear revenge but there's one catch, the crime lord previously saved Jerry and a young friend's life way back in Vietnam which of course leads to a bit of a dilemma. Yes indeed, this is an ethical conundrum but we're hardly given time to ponder it for the fists and feet start flying as both Jerry and his nemesis happen to be ninjas (as is most of the cast seemingly!) Although sadly far from Lou's best, this should nonetheless provide a chuckle or two for fellow fans of trash cinema and is an entirely harmless way to waste ninety or so minutes. Also known as USA Ninja.

Buy the DVD at:
HK Flix.com

Ninja Kill (1987) Directed by: Joseph Lai

TROY'S REVIEW: Yes indeed, it's time for yet more luminous clad ninja antics in this typically bungled cut & paste outing as delivered unto us lucky viewers by our old friend Joseph Lai. Poor Richard Harrison appears for the umpteenth time as a chap named Gordon who possesses a curious predilection for donning decidedly ugly Hawaiian shirts when not decked out in his even more garishly coloured ninja togs. This time around our unsightly shirt wearing hero recruits David (Filipino star Sorapong Chatri who appears courtesy of a completely different film) to prevent the attempted assassination of a Senator. Added to this, Gordon must also contend with a group of nefarious ninjas led by non other than bad acting maestro and regular IFD bad guy Stuart Smith who as it happens has been further blessed with a particularly awful voice overdub, presumably provided by some unweary foreign tourist dragged hastily off the street into the IFD recording studios. Predictably enough, it all ends in a one on one confrontation between the ninja adversaries whereupon our man Gordon gets to show off his combative skills with some musical cymbals (yes, you read that correctly). Note: Percussion instruments are always deadly in the hands of a ninja. Keen eared viewers will no doubt also be highly bemused to find the main theme to the Chevy Chase comedy classic Fletch popping up and later snippets from Jean Michel Jarre's Magnetic Fields album. Erm...copyright infringement anyone?

Ninja Of The Magnificence (1988) Directed by: Godfrey Ho

TROY'S REVIEW: Godfrey Ho strikes once again with this unintelligible, yet curiously enjoyable cut & paste ninja entry starring IFD regular Pierre Kirby. The muddled plot has Kirby setting out to avenge the death of his master at the hands of Ross, a snide looking git who decides, for reasons best known to himself, that he will form his own break away ninja clan. Edited into proceedings we also have a baffling story featuring Lee, who we are told, was also a pupil of the slain ninja master and who is likewise seeking revenge. The film is about as disjointed as humanly imaginable but frankly, who cares when it's so much damn fun. Alas, this served as one of the last of the cut & paste ninja efforts to emerge from IFD, as ninja mania had by this time, all but ended. A genuine shame (although the more discerning of cinema lovers would probably disagree!). Also known as American Ninja: The Magnificent.

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